Search
  • ryanraeharbuck

Wallflower Wannabe



From the very innards of my soul, I am reserved, quiet, and dare I say shy even.


I remember parent-teacher conferences where my charismatic and buggy-eyed teachers would ask my parents if I ever spoke at home. I did. I promise I did. But if it were solely left up to me, I would certainly blend in with the paisley and floral backgrounds of most social settings.


Sure, I had friends and I was able to conduct myself just fine for a prepubescent anybody.


But then, in a matter of a blinding flash, I was left DIFFERENT. My car accident left me an immediate, visible reminder of not only that night, but now of the indiscernible normalcy that I lost because of it.


FLASH. BANG. SPARK. It took less time than that for my life to change forever.


Once my body was healed, I waltzed into classrooms and swimming pools again, just as I would have otherwise. But suddenly I could no longer blend into my surroundings.


Suddenly, everyone knew who I was and/or what had happened to me. I was left to live out my remaining days as a wallflower wannabe.


Being immediately recognized, either by my story, or simply just for looking different, I was forced to change how I behaved. I now had to prove to the world that I was not only okay, I was really great. And there was no way of doing that if I was consumed with being shy.


Fast-forward a couple of decades, and I still find myself as a wallflower wannabe. I have grown to accept that. Being out of my comfort zone arguably more times than I have ever been in it, leaves me feeling anxious and amplified.


I had to learn how to be a public speaker because that was something that my life needed to do. I had to learn how to advertise my goals and dreams, because that was something my life needed from me too.


I felt a strong, magnetic pull toward a definite path, so I allowed it. Sometimes dizzy with anxiety, I held it all in because I knew that there was a chance that I could positively impact a path for someone else.


Even as I sit here today, checking all sorts of social media stats, seeking out podcast interviews, and posting various quotes from my manuscript-- it is all with a giant gulp, because that too is so, so scary. I do it though, because I now recognize my life needs it. It's simply because this way has proven to me over and over again. This life gives me a vessel for reaching and teaching others.


That is my life, whether I like it or not. Me. I am the lesson. Perhaps it wasn't the first choice for my life, but I know with all certainty in the world that it is the BEST choice for my life.


I may not seem it today, but I am still very much that same little girl who didn't like to talk in school. Nevertheless, I also understand that I deserve to be more than that for myself and for everyone else.


I shush that wallflower wannabe, and go out into the world each day with an attempted bold voice and a genuine smile. I tell myself every single time, that everything will be okay.


And, it usually is.


284 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

When the sun wakes early and stays up late, The tulips stretch their leaves and wait. Sometimes the sky will darken that sun, Rain falls on the tulips, each and every one. Springtime has come to the p